Where Did I Go?

When your husband suddenly dies, you quickly realize your responsibilities have changed.  You are now the ONE who gets to figure out how to replace his income. The ONE who will fix the sprinklers, the cars, that window that's been broken for years. You are the ONE to take your children to college, help with tuition, attend graduation, marry them off, drive their U-haul across the country.  

An epic multitasker.  Tough as boiled owl.  Load me up.  Put it on my tab.  I know how to function in rough situations..... but then suddenly.....

I Don't

or

I Can't

or

I Won't

.....I'm not even sure.

What you do not realize.....or even vaguely understand....is that YOU.....as you've always known you...is gone!  Seemingly Obliterated.

You discover that nothing is the same.....relationships, perspectives, food, work, sleep, physical strength, mental capacity, creativity.  Everything has changed.

CREATIVITY.  Oh how I've missed that feeling of time evaporating as I've worked in the zone.  I've tried to resurrect her in countless ways.  It's been frustrating and painful to be robbed of something that was so natural to me.  

Lately, she has begun to re-emerge.  Perhaps due to some long years of tiny persistence, an incredible and encouraging current husband ;), the influence of my creative girls.    

I am contented and thankful to be experiencing her once again.  So, here I'll record her return.  The evidence that once again, she fills my time and thoughts so satisfyingly :)

I ended up piecing and quilting more quilts this year than I ever have.  I also had the best croissant success.  It feels so good to participate in the CREATIVE process again.  

Thank you Damon, Sydney, Maddy, and Lizzie for your relentless encouragement, patience, and love.   Thank you for helping me reconstruct a life where this part of me can flourish again.  It brings me so much satisfaction, purpose, and joy.  Thank you.  I love you ❤